Stumbling Through Grief

Three a.m. phone calls rarely come with good news. The hardest ones to get, perhaps, are the ones you are expecting. Such was the case early Sunday morning, when the news came in the middle of the night that my Grandma Barb had died.

My Grandma had a hard life. She was born prematurely, and her mother kept her and her twin brother alive by feeding them with an eye dropper, as they were so tiny that they wouldn't nurse. She lost her first child (her only daughter) in the late stages of pregnancy, and endured a horrific delivery because of it. After my Dad and uncles were born, she divoced and remarried a man who was, at the best of times, not very nice, and at the worst of times, neglectful and abusive. It was only last May that my family learned the extent of her maltreatment, and in August were able to bring her to Alaska to live with my folks.

When Grandma got to Alaska a year ago, she had lost so much of the vitality that I remembered her having, although her sense of humor was intact. She loved to tease my Dad, and thoroughly enjoyed her great-grandchildren, who included my daughters and my sisters' sons. The news that I was expecting Melanie came as a great gift to her, as she had never been around any of her great-grandchildren as infants.

I carry my Grandma's name (her middle name is Lenore, too), and she is Megan's namesake. One of my favorite memories of her is making the phone call after Megan's birth to tell her that we named the baby after her.

Grandma's passing was not quick, and part of the grief I feel is that when the call finally came, I felt as much relief as sadness. It is hard for me to equate death with relief, although I know it came as one to her. Today, two days later, I still feel shock and a sort of heaviness in my heart as I sort through all the emotions running through brain. I was out of town when she died, and while I know that I truly could have done nothing, I still struggle with having been out of the family fold, so to speak, when they were all together with her.

I think it will be a continual struggle to adjust to life without her. In the end, as in all things, I know what I have to do, and that is turn over my fears and grief, as well as the welfare of her soul, to God's mercy and grace.

I love you Grandma, and I miss you.

May her soul dwell with the blessed, and may her memory be eternal.

Literature irritations

I started reading the Magic Tree House books to Megan today. My first and foremost opinion is that whoever is Mary Pope Osborne's editor at Random House is an idiot. You can't go an entire page without there being at least one sentence fragment.

Examples? "New books with shiny, bright covers." "A skinny beak." "High into the sky."

THESE ARE NOT COMPLETE SENTENCES PEOPLE!!!

Speaking as a former teacher, as well as a concerned parent who would like her blossoming reader to read correct English (gasp!), I have to say that as cute as the stories are, and as much as the kids are enjoying them thus far, they give me a massive headache.

How hard would it have been to give the author an elementary lesson in comma and semicolon usage? When I was teaching, if one of my sixth graders had turned in something like that, there's no way I would have accepted it, especially not for publication on a national level!!

Okay. *deep breath* My rant is (mostly) over, at least on the blog post. I'm sure it will continue on a mental level for days.

Quite possibly the greatest picture ever taken

Worlds cutest and most hilarious baby, right here folks.

Just for Grammy! (and Papa too)

My apologies Grandparents....I know you've been waiting for pictures for a long time. Here is the last couple months in a nutshell.

Marina squeezed herself into Melanie's pants.
Birthday presents!
Rainbow birthday cake
I'm three!

Holy giant zucchini!
I love the look of pure delight on her face.






Marina's first day of preschool.
Daddy coaching Melanie as she figured out how to roll over.

Weekend

We had a really delightful weekend this week. On Friday, our grown-up Godson graduated from college, and we were able to be there for the ceremony, as well as have a very fun dinner out afterwards with their family. Congratulations Corey! Many years. :)

Saturday dawned, and--wonder of wonders--I did not have any place to go to sell jam. It was the first Saturday I had been home in almost two months. Melanie celebrated by waking up almost every hour all night long, so Dn. John (bless him) let me sleep in very, very late. After I drug myself downstairs, we got the kids ready and went hiking at Thunderbird Falls. As soon as I can find my camera card reader, I'll put some pictures up. It was so much fun--a beautiful day, beautiful hike, capped off by seeing a bald eagle fly right by us while we were standing on an observation deck. I said, "Look! A bald eagle!" and Megan freaked out. "Where is the volcano???" She calmed down once informed that there were no volcanoes nearby, but it's always funny to hear what processes in the kids' brains when I say something.

Marina stood at the top of a hill that I was laboriously climbing, saying to me, "It's okay Mama. There's nothing to be afraid of. You can walk faster." Later, when I neglected to speed up to her standards, she came back and walked with me. "I will be slow with you Mama."

Afterward, we went to Pizza Hut, then came home and watched a movie. The kids were raving about the day at bedtime, so I'm glad they had fun. Sunday, we had a nice day at home. Dn. John and Megan did yardwork, getting everything outside ready for winter. I baked and played games on my cell phone. Megan came in when she finished and helped me bake an apple crisp. She made the topping almost completely by herself. It was really neat to give her directions and watch her measure and stir. She's growing up so fast! The crisp was a treat we shared with our friends Meghan and Michael, who came over in the evening to play cards. Michael and I got beaten quite badly, so I'm sensing a rematch sometime soon so we can vindicate ourselves.

Dn. John is home today. He's sleeping in after a 4 am moose road kill call. He went with our friend to load the moose up, then came home and went back to sleep. I'm doing my best to keep Melanie and Marina quiet (Megan's at school) so he can sleep as long as possible. It's tougher because Melanie is nursing a head cold and is fussy, but we seem to be doing okay. She is currently distracted playing with vacuum cleaner attachments.

In any case, we're definitely enjoying the reprieve of business, and getting some family time in. Next week, all the crazy picks up again, so the breather is a welcome one!

Marina

For all of you non-Facebooking followers of mine, I wanted to update you on some ridiculous things that Marina has said lately...

First and foremost was the song she was singing this evening: "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb until it fell off a cliff and died."

Yes, feel free to sit back and wonder where I am going wrong as a parent, because that's sure what I'm doing!!

This morning I asked her what she learned about in church school yesterday. She replied, "Trains. And broccoli." I was ready to write it off as just another Marina response until my brother-in-law (also a second child, mind you) wrote this: "The broccoli both reminds Marina of the green vestments for Pentecost and the coming of the Holy Spirit upon the Church and the Cross because it looks like a little tree. She wants to board that train with the saints heading for the kingdom with the grace of the Holy Spirit through the Cross of our Lord Jesus Christ! You just have to think like a middle child, who is also a budding theologian."

In any case, budding theologian or no, I would advise all of you to not take Marina for walks on hilltops, especially not with any cute and cuddly animals.

And on the subject of my kids, right now Melanie is sitting on a puzzle, pounding at the wooden pieces and shrieking at it. But, from the right angle, it looks like she's actually putting it together. :) My children are brilliant.

Take a break

I've been cleaning like a crazy person for much of the day. It is time for a breather before tackling the next task! Melanie is sleeping, Megan and Marina are watching a movie, and I am quite pleased to just be sitting for a moment.

It's crazy how you can clean and clean and clean for an entire morning and early afternoon...to look around and realize exactly how much you have LEFT to do. Ugh. It's never ending. Doing laundry all day hasn't helped, but it's good to have that almost finished too. The goal is to have everything done today, because I have to be gone all day tomorrow to make jam. Then I can come home to a clean house, keep it that way for an evening (which is easy on Wednesdays, since it's Christian Ed night at church), then wake up Thursday morning and do something creative. I've got several sewing projects waiting in the wings, and I'm eager to get cracking on them.

I spent the weekend at the Make It Alaskan Festival at the Sullivan Arena selling jam and such. It was crazy! Three very, very long days, but good sales overall. The highlight was the two new wholesale customers that I gained on Sunday. Wholesale is always good, and one of them is the new specialty food shop at the airport! It has the potential to be very big, especially during tourist season. My mind is a little befuddled trying to figure out all the details...especially since I could now, potentially, make the business bigger than it is. I've been easing towards more professional packaging and the like, and it seems like now is time to take the plunge. Who would've thought that my little homegrown jam business would turn into such a big thing????

Also exciting is getting ready to head to South Carolina again soon. I looked at the calendar today, and we leave in less than a month! Boy, that snuck up. It seems that a phone call to my sister in law may be in order...gotta check on her and see if there's more wedding stuff I can help with.

Well, the kids' movie ended and now the phone is ringing. Back to it, I suppose!!